tumblr... =]

it's so awkward seeing these things jotted down and blogged from some else's mind. i have no idea who this girl is, or anything about her except the fact that we're both broken hearted. jesus christ. it's crazy.




“ I hope you know what you lost. I hope you know what you had to begin with. I hope you know what mistake you made leaving; If you don’t then I hope you realize it. Most of all; I hope you regret every single bit of it.



“ When you fall as fast and as far as I did, you are no longer yourself. You are blinded by your heart. You breathe him and he’s all you see when you wake up and lay your head down. Then one day, he’s gone. The sky crashes down upon you and you change again. You run to the phone every time it rings, expecting him to be there, to tell you everything’s going to be alright and that things can be the same as they used to. You and him, together, forever. But only a dial tone replies to your pleas. Oh sure…I’ll get over you…I’ll live again. But every time I see you, the memories of all the wonderful times we spent together flash through my head and a little piece of me dies.




“ I still miss you, but not like I did before. The intense aching I felt isn’t there anymore. I still whisper your name, though not as often as I used to. Now it may be once before the day is through. I still hear your voice replaying in my mind, but it’s fading now. Soon, silence I will find. I still long for you, to feel your touch, but it’s not like before. I don’t dream it as much. I still think about you and wonder how you are, but my feelings have changed and they don’t go as far. I still feel you sometimes. Maybe you’re thinking of me or maybe it’s just a little memory of how it used to be. I still love you but it’s just not as strong because I’m letting you go now, so we can both move on. You still have a piece of my heart because I always feel you here. Now I’m hoping and praying that that, too, will quickly disappear. This will be my last goodbye, I’ve nothing else to say. Everything I felt for you can now just fade away.




“ When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Don’t try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, caring for you, or staying attached to you. When people can walk away, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

“ What’s different about us is that we’re friends. Well, maybe we’re not just friends, but the base of all we know is friendship. He may think I’m beautiful, but he’ll still tease me when he has to look down to see me. We may cuddle up and watch movies, but we’ll still laugh and make jokes about every line. We may hold hands, but we also get into fake fights that I know he wants to win every time. He gets mad when I don’t think highly of myself and I get mad when he won’t tell me what’s wrong.



“ Believe me when I say you changed me for the better. From now on I look at love differently. I will no longer throw the word around and I will no longer fall for it so easily. I will be careful with my heart so it doesn’t break again, for if it does it may never come back. I thank you for making me realize I have my own two feet I can stand on, and I don’t need a man to make me proud of myself. I know you thought I would not take this well and crawl back to you the second I got a chance, but I’m stronger. And this is my new challenge and I will defeat it. Thanks for helping me realize I’m strong on my own.


!!!!

3rd night in a row... oh man. im gonna decorate my walls soon.

why am i so stupid? kevin came over last night and is coming over again to night. im so dumb! yesterday he asked me to chill and tonight after bj's with monica, donna, and art, i asked him! SO DUMBBBBB. mia even talked to him! he's not in itttt. fuck. im ridiculous!

i try to turn it off
but it's hard to see
through this emptiness
slowly breaking me
maybe hurt me just a little less
then i can start to breathe
but still your heart is out of reach
what were we thinking?
and what will we do now?
right now?

the sun hasnt shined today at all
funny thing, you havent called
tell me why.
or should i be asking?
how should i respond...
to it all?
but times were good.
i wish you were around more
i can feel you at my door
but it's not you
it's someone else
what can i do?
what did we do?

what were we thinking?
and what will we do now?
right now?

you tell me you made up your mind
it wouldn't be the first time
see i deserve
it's my own heart that hurts me
im gonna brand myself a fool
coz i fell in love with you
what were we thinking, babe?
and what will we do now?
right now?

i try to turn it off
but it's hard to see
through this emptiness
slowly breaking me
maybe hurt me just a little less
then i can start to breathe
but still your heart is out of reach
what were we thinking?
and what will we do now?
right now?

right now...

i try to turn it off
but it's hard to see
through this emptiness
slowly breaking me
maybe hurt me just a little less
then i can start to breathe
but still your heart is out of reach

i should have known baby
it was right in front of me baby
screaming girl just walk away, just walk away.
now, just let it be. just let it be, just let it be, just let it be.
but now you've taken part of me.

what were we thinking?
and what will we do now?
right now...



ouchhhhhh.

but i cant be mad at him. i love him, to be honest. all i really want to do is invite him for tea and strumpets and to watch a movie.. but i guess we're both at fault for this. i was assuming things incorrectly. i should have just asked him right off the bat rather than waiting 7 months if what we were doing was leading anywhere. i shouldnt have been afraid to ask him my questions. but at the same time, he shoulda ended it before i got too deep in this. he coulda let me know how he felt. he knew how much i liked him. he should have done something. but still, when it's all said and done.. i just want his company.

he broke my heart last monday.. july 13th. the day after mia's bridal shower. i asked him to come over and he did, so.. the last movie we watched was serendipity.. ;) that morning.. blah. woke up around 11am. i asked him if he wanted to be my bf yet and he said no. i got impatient with wondering.. so good thing i finally asked. who knows how long this coulda went on. years maybe? sheesh. anyway, so last week was a roughhhh week for me. i was down and out. done. crying everyday. i swear, kevin is the only one to successfully break my heart. not to mention, this is the SECOND time. shame on me.....

so anyway, i talked things out with him tonight over the phone. sucks really, but it just didnt seem like i would've gotten any of my answers soon if i had waited for us to meet in person, so i asked him my questions.. and he never really forced me into doing anything i didnt wanna do. whatever im side tracking sort've.

basically, he liked me but not enough to start a serious relationship. his explaination as to why he spent so much time with me is basically becoz he enjoyed it. watching movies, etc. he cares about me still just as much as he did before all of this, but it's still not enough. he feels bad about hurting me and putting me through this. i asked him if he thought i should get over him, and he said "i guess.... yeah." and even though we've been acting like BF/GF for hella long, i asked him why wouldnt it work out.. and he had no reason.

but the bottom line i guess is that he said i should get over him. it sounded like an uncertain answer, but he did say it so i guess i really realllllly have no choice now. i told him how im gonna miss his hugs.. it's gonna take a while for me to get over this.. he's still going to take me to see the killers. my keychain really did break.

god all i really want still is for him to come over... =/ i miss what i thought we had.

tomorrow night after he bowls, he's supposed to call me and head over to my place so we could finish talking.. so tomorrow, i suppose will be the closing of the "kristy & kevin" chapter. i really did love him. i cared about him as anyone in love would care. he's all i wanted to know for about a good ~8 months. i wanted to be perfect for him. i saw myself marrying this guy.. funny huh? oh well. at least i got to thank him for teaching me things from this experience. and at least he feels bad a little bit. and at least he cares.

he cares.

and you know what...

HE'S GONNA MISS ME WHEN IM GONE. mwahaha. jk. that'd be awesome though. then i'd have to make him prove his love for me. haha

im pathetic. but that's fine. at least im not balling like a little baby.

im really sad though. lord knows how sad i'll be tomorrow.

gotta go to SF honda tomorrow morning.

<3

Sunday, July 19, 2009 By Rick Levine

It's still difficult for you to make any significant decisions, for you are being pulled in too many directions now. Normally, you can synthesize a lot of complexity into a simple conclusion, but today's solutions don't feel one hundred percent correct. Don't take the first step of a long journey until you are absolutely sure of where you are going.

Taurus Horoscope
Kristy,
You and your partner are going to have to talk. Yes, one of "those" talks. The kind that you cringe from. It won't be the nightmare you make it out to be - unless you try to avoid it. You can be your own worst enemy today, so be a listener rather than a talker. Don't let yourself get defensive.

so i woke up at 9.

went to a kick ass happy hour at chevy's with lawrence (fuzzy hat) wtf right?? anyway, it was cool. we're friends now.

then i drove my drunk ass to peeeeet's. WTF!?!?!!!!!

thennnnn i saw erick

hung out with him at chipotle

had a margarita

talked all night

kevin got hella weird with art asking if he could smoke a cig real quick. ????wtf!

then me and erick went to la pinata

got pretty cool

now im home and drunk

called kevin to see if we could talk on sunday and he said yeah

woahhhh

work at 5am!

niccceee

i guess i was wrong this whole time.

holy shit. the past couple of days have been soooo awesome. and i finally have some time on my hands now. and even some go in my fingers, i might as well blog tonight. im waiting for an important phone call so when that comes, i might just have to postpone this. =)

alright so kevin's birthday (july 9th) was a good ol' time. he's freaking 26! LOL wowwww. that seems realllllly old. but shit, we're all gonna be 26 sooner or later! (maybe? yikes haha) i ended up making him a keychain becoz he only had his one lone lancer key since the dealership guy said not to have anything heavy with it becoz it might strain the shape of the key or something. so i ended up making the keychain from hecka random things from michael's. i think it was pretty sweet lookin. all laminated and everything. and i rolled up 2 tickets to see the killers in september. a concert which he is bringing me to. ;) i gave it to him at work coz he, romel, christian, and i were all closing. christian bought hellllllla wing stop! haha that hater. he ended up blowing our surprise gathering for kevin straight to his face! "so you're still going to la pinata tonight right??" wtf. hahaha dork! anyway, yeah.. he liked my gift. he said i did good and that im pretty cool. lol

then after work we all went to la pinata to meet up with the gangsters. kiely, sara, art, monica, andrew, mia, josh, and of course the 4 asian closers of the night all came through. =) kiely's fucking gift blew mine out the fucking water. she had a cake made with kevin's head attached to fucking captain america's body. WTF! hella killed mine. haha it's cool though. <3 good job kiekie! we all had some drinks and stuff, and called it a night around 1130pm.

woke up around 500am. poor babies had a hangover headache. i didnt know how to take care of him! i had be get ready for santa barbara by 645am! so i just gave him tons o' water and some aleve. gave him some goodbye hugs and kisses, and headed out the door at 650am to marcus, amanda, and scotty!

the car ride there was pretty sweet. incubus in the cd player (monuments and melodies), fritos, water, and blow pops. traffic way? really? LOL. oh and i accidentally opened the door on some girl going pee in a chevron gas station! i felt so bad. =( she gasped hella hard! it took about 5 hours to get there. the beach on the side of us was soo beautiful. we got there at about 12ish? i think? i forgot. lol but we couldnt check in to EL PRADO yet.. so we went up and down state street! SOOO nice! it was like a less stuck up santana row. lol we ate at ruby's cafe which was pretty good. the only bad thing about santa barbara is that it's super expensive for food! jesus christ.. the wells fargo DID have free lollipops which pretty much makes up for it..

anyway, we checked into the hotel at 3pm and got ready for INCUBUS! amanda thought that the santa barbara bowl was at UCSB but i found out that it was actually by santa barbara high school! so we went in the wrong direction for just a little bit, no biggie! the campus was really nice. this indian girl helped us out with directions. we finally got there. had NO idea who the duke spirit was! LOL shit i feel bad! but oh my god. incubus performing.... it was beautiful. i could not believe that i was singing along with brandon boyd. their first song was privilege! HOLY SHIT. i went nuts. I FUCKING LOVE INCUBUS. brandon's so god damn beautiful. jose, mike, ben, and dj killmore are all so fucking talented as well! couldntttt believe it! a dream come true. it was like, a greatest hits concert! they played like, 1 song from the new stuffs, and that was black heart inertia. but man, their performance of dig was fucking awesome. it was like, 7 minutes long! i wish they had done echo and glass, but it's cool. no worries. i want to watch them again! i recorded a bunch. im sad my pictures didnt come out as clear as i'd hoped. but anyway, INCUBUS OH MY GOD. lol <3 <3 <3 it was so good. had some total tattoo ideas. im so glad that i got to experience that concert with 2 of the next biggest fans that i know! we were singing at the top of our lungs! the concert ended with aqueous transmissin and as everyone was exiting, they played journey. lol it was awesome.

then we went back to the room, and left again to get some foods. we ate at this japanese place called "edamasa" which doesnt close until 2am! fucking sick! hella expensive though, but it's cool. IT'S SANTA BARBARA. i had to live it up! KOU COMBINATION PLEASE THANKS. lol. i barely ate any! so stupid.. then we called it a night, checked out the next morning after eating ihop and watching some of *clueless* <3 and we made our way to american apparel real quick, thennnn THE BEACH. it was so gorgeous! my god. the water was warm. the sun was hot. the sand was clean and dry. i think that when all is said and done, i want to make a living out there. it made that much of an impression on me. we spent a good 2 hours on the beach and headed to a place to eat at the opposite end of the beach. mmmm. grilled salmon. <3

then we headed back home. passed the sketchiest as fuck shell station! everything was so freaking expensive! like really? a cup o' noodles is gonna costlike, $1.75? LOL yeah right! and donuts? $2.75? yeah right. our playlist on the way back was awesome. we finally made it back to my place at 9pm. marcus headed home, amanda and scott chilled for a while in my room. we talked about stuff. <3 i love my friends..

then i opened today. it was an ok day. =) i didnt get yelled at for anything. lol

thank you again amanda for the best birthday gift ever! without the incubus ticket, i would have not blogged about this. <3 i love you! best friendssss!

<3 ok done blogging. kevin said i should expect him within an hour and about 15 minutes has passed! *nervous*

mia and josh told me i should ask him straight up, "do you want to be my boyfriend or not?" it doesnt seem hard.. but shit, i've no courage!!!!

wish me luck!